Ah! Another Day!

 I'm not sure why I feel like sleeping for 8 hours will reset my life, and somehow this day will be different from the rest. 

Again, negative self talk. 

I need some structure, some routine. I can't handle waking up with no direction to the day. I MUST know what I am having for breakfast, I MUST stretch on my yoga mat, I MUST do the ab workout, I MUST take the dog for a stroll, I MUST sign up for the gym today. All these things, overwhelming me. MUST they?

It's not JUST doing the things, it's everything else that comes with them.  I want to have a quick spin workout but then I'll get sweaty and if I'm going to go to the gym at noon, do I really want to be showering twice? My scalp will get itchy, I don't want to wash my hair before working out again! And I need a new sports bra, mine just sucks. This sucks. My mind sucks. Going off in a million different directions instead of the task AT HAND. Literally throw on some scrubby clothes and get on the damn bike! 

My mind holds me back, because the task at hand is usually mundane and simple. But my mind likes to take it up a few notches and throw in a little inconvenience and worry! 

So. Today. It is day 2 of zero social media and for a few minutes there, I thought to myself "maybe I should just set it to 'temporarily disabled' instead of permanently deleted. Just in case I lose weight and want to log in and show it off".

JFC. Enough. 

Here are the goals for today:

• Peloton 20 mins (or more if I feel like it)
• Smoothie for breakfast
• Sign up at the gym 
• Take dog for a nice stroll

THATS IT, yet here I am, feeling like I've got a mountain to climb. Good grief. If I can make it through all 4 today, there will be a bit of pride. A bit. 

Off we go then.

 

What the fuck am I supposed to jot down, exactly?

I stressed over the background colour to my blog for a few minutes, had to find something to go with the image of the green juice I uploaded. And then I thought "why does it matter, who cares about the background colour to your blog, you're the only one reading it" and then I thought "exactly, I am the only one reading it, and jotting in it, and it has to be something that I enjoy looking at, so why not fuss over the colour?"

This is a perfect comparison to my life; stressful, messy, chaotic, no order but needs order but order will only stifle me and pound my creativity down further into the ground but I NEED ORDER AND I NEED ROUTINE HELP. 

Welcome, have a seat. 

I'm 34, work in cannabis, enjoy the idea of being active, have trouble saying no and setting boundaries, would love a relationship but have to learn to love my dumb ass first, and honestly find myself not that interesting to write about. I have to stop the negative self talk. Sigh.

At the ripe old age of 34, I have decided to (once again) delete my social media accounts, and bring back the blog. That I never had because I constantly critique myself and delete anything I come up with. And the social media accounts have a 30 day 'just in case you change your mind' pre-deletion window. Just in case you're like me and have absolutely NO willpower, and have to check up on your ex roomie's cousins brother and what he's up to. 

Social media is crack, and crack is whack. 

It is time to break out of my shell and venture out into the world and have experiences and grow and wander aimlessly until I reach whatever destination I'm supposed to reach. Ah, magical.

 It's actually time to grow up and get real with myself. 

The past couple years have been really fucked up, and I've completely lost any direction that I thought I had. I've ruined relationships. I've neglected family. I've let myself go. 

And a blog will fix all of this!

No, but it's nice to have somewhere to post thoughts and pretend that it's beneficial in some way. Maybe it is? Maybe I'll embark on an experiment! One week at a time, because when I set monthly goals I usually give up on the first day. So, here's to a week of blogging, whatever I feel I need to, whatever I want to.